alidancer

Wondering...

Is it weird that the sight of my shiny new shoes can brighten my mood after an insanely long work day?

Or is it only weird because I happened to be sitting on the toilet at the time?

Now That's Just Mean

To the writers of Grey's Anatomy:

You are pushing my limits.

I am not normally a girl who watches TV in real time. Too much trash on nowadays to be wasting my precious time. I wait for the hits to be proven and then obsessively Netflix until I am up-to-speed.

(Unless SOME people, I AM TALKING TO YOU, EVIL WITHHOLDERS OF E.R., have slowed the release schedule of back seasons to a painful trickle - even though SEASONS 5 & 6 have been available on www.Amazon.co.uk forever, where they MOCK me incessantly. It's been 10 years, people, there is no damn reason to be so behind! Talk about unamerican...)

But, dear writers, I made an exception for Grey's. I admit, that two-part episode on Superbowl Sunday got me hooked. And I have been faithful - every week, adjusting those bunny ears until I can sort of make out the moving shapes, focusing intently to follow along. Yet, you insist on playing with my affections.

Last Sunday, I missed my train back to NYC - which ultimately sucked, since it meant getting up at 4 am to make the first train back. The ONLY bright side, my one silver lining, was that for once, I would be able to see my darling Grey's characters in crystal clear cable at my parent's house. I looked forward to the 60min that would make the 2hrs loss of sleep worthwhile.

AND YOU BASTARDS PRE-EMPTED GREY'S FOR SOME DISGUSTING SOAP OPERA DRIVEL ABOUT A WORTHLESS DUDE NAMED BRIAN.

That pissed me off... but I understand TV is a business, too, so I forgave you even though being stood up for the 7th Heaven guy was pretty hard to swallow. But you promised a new episode this week, and I gave in.

Just in case you were confused, CLIPS OF SHOWS YOU'VE ALREADY RUN DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A "NEW EPISODE". Being forced to watch a freakin' movie preview in place of, I don't know, an actual scripted drama is NOT OK.

VACATION IS OFFICIALLY OVER. GET BACK TO WORK, YOU ASSHOLES.

Don't make me downgrade you back to Netflix status... cause you pull this one more time, and it's over like between Izzy and Alex. The second time, when she dumps him for the walking corpse.

All Hail the 'Leaker-in-Chief'

Let me just say, there is a certainly amount of sadism in scheduling meetings after lunch in the quietest office building on the planet. The first time I went there, I was fighting to stay awake, but thought maybe I just hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before. But last week, while sitting in someone's cramped cubicle while they droned on about their agonizingly ancient software, I realized this building was Ali-kryptonite - and I was about to pass out.

I started fidgeting with a vengeance, frantically swinging my chair back in forth to fight off the sleepiness. For a second, I thought I might even prevail.

Then my traitor body shut down for 2 seconds, and I toppled off my chair.

I don't know what the weirdest part was - that the people who saw me didn't realize it was because I fell asleep, or that most people in the room didn't seem realize I fell off my chair. But seriously, does anyone know any good speed dealers? I have a fucking reoccurring meeting with these people, and I'm getting desperate.

In the news...

NYT: Immigrants Rally in Scores of Cities for Legal Status

Being a New Yorker, of course my first reaction to a huge protest a few blocks away was damn, that's sure going to screw with my commute tonight... but honestly, I hope it works out. These people all have jobs - we obviously have an economic need for them. With all the problems in America today, we shouldn't be spending our energy trying to track down gainfully employed, law-abiding people who just want the chance to earn their way. That being said, I wish they were politically astute enough not to wave foreign flags like an invading army.

WASHINGTON POST: Bush Authorized Secrets' Release, Libby Testified

"If the disclosure is true, it's breathtaking. The president is revealed as the leaker-in-chief," said Rep. Jane Harman (Calif.), the senior Democrat on the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence.

I'm sure by now you all know the story about how Bush (surprise! surprise!) authorized the leaking of classified information just to get back at a critic. I'm still a little shocked that after all the bluster from the Bush administration, they were unable to contain this disclosure... but I'm mostly worried that the Democrats will continue to blow every God-given opportunity to wipe the mats with the G.O.P. The President is proven to have actually have abused access to classified information to prop up his lousy rationale for invading Iraq, and the worst the senior Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee can do is "leaker-in-chief"?! It's so disheartening, I kinda want to cry...

NYT: 'West Wing' Writers' Novel Way of Picking the President

My last consolation, a White House better-run by screenwriters, has finally come to an end. (Though not really for me, since I watch the show on DVD and therefore can prolong the hallucination for years to come!) But the best part of this article is of course Martin Sheen, who seems to still have common sense even when his lines aren't being written for him:

Not long ago, [Sheen] said, he was approached by Democratic Party representatives from his native state, Ohio, to see if he would be interested in running for the United States Senate after he left the show... he turned them down.

"I'm just not qualified," he said. "You're mistaking celebrity for credibility."

In a world of Sean Penns and Jesse Venturas, how amazing is it that an opinionated actor, whose job for the last several years has been to portray the president of the U.S., actually understands this does not qualify him to run for office? Not that most of the non-actors are more qualified (see above article), but still...

NYT: Pro-Life Nation

"When we get a call from a hospital reporting an abortion," said Flor Evelyn Tópez, "the first thing we do is make sure the girl gets into custody. So if there is not a police officer there, we call the police and begin to collect evidence."

Doctors in El Salvador now understand that it is their legal duty to report any woman suspected of having had an abortion. Abortion rights advocates point out that Salvadoran law also spells out a conflicting responsibility: the doctor's duty to keep the patient's medical information confidential.

I think what terrifies me about the South Dakota law banning abortion is how it devalues the life of the mother. I don't think women of my generation really understand that we could honestly lose this right - at least I don't think I always do - and exactly what that means. Learning that in El Salvador victims of rape and incest are prosecuted for the repercussions of sex they did not choose to have - how can anti-abortion activists believe this is moral? (I think the worst part of this article was when a doctor reported a girl she suspected was being abused by her stepfather - because she honestly thought that was the best course she could take for her. Hadn't the poor girl been subjected to enough already?!) The law is taken so seriously there that doctors are forbidden to operate on ectopic pregnancies until either the fetus is dead or the fallopian tube ruptures - to protect a pregnancy that isn't viable in the first place. Obviously, the life of a woman can't be worth that much if you're willing to risk doing her harm for a fetus that won't live anyway.

The question even conservatives don't want to answer - if you outlaw abortion, who gets punished when women are desperate enough to try anyway? Are they willing to put away rape victims, or poor women unable to afford another pregnancy? Do they understand they'll never end the practice, but simply drive away people who so badly need help?

NYT: U.N. Finds That 25% of Married Syrian Women Have Been Beaten

With a statistic that terrifying in the headline, what more can you say?

NY DAILY NEWS: Rape suspect blamed 'bad judgment' - DA

"I made a bad judgment. I'm going through some stuff," [the suspect] told a detective in a police car, according to prosecutors.

Don't you just hate those times of your life when you're feeling kinda down, and happen sexually assault four teenage girls? Now, there's a big oops...

Our Leaders Embrace Their Inner Mediocrity

In the news...

SLATE: No Idea - Republicans unveil their new line for the fall.

For five years, Republicans trashed Democrats as bereft of ideas. Now that they see Democrats up by 10 points, Republicans are rushing to claim the mantle of no ideas for themselves. Caught by surprise, Democratic consultants quickly fired back: Hey, we had no ideas first.

Alright - now they are so not even trying.

Thoughts on Shopping

Today is my favorite day of the month - when Adrian the fabulous cleaning guy dusts, sweeps and mops our little apartment into shiny lemon-smelling perfection, while Heron and I relax to the sounds of scrubbing and Adrian's favorite easy-listening R&B station. (Though the fact that I will forever connect Marvin Gaye and antiseptic cleaner is a little weird.)

Not that I fritter away this time surfing the internet - when you have someone in your home who actually cleans the overhead light fixtures, you feel the need to accomplish things. So today's important task is to continue the overhaul of my wardrobe. Right now, the contents of my closet are kind of uneven - I have days when I'm pulled together and professional, but also days when I try to figure out how close I can stay to pajamas and still squeak by the office dress code.

(I have supercomfy loose pants for the second purpose - cut like PJ pants, but from Brooks Brothers and therefore obviously professional. But still kinda look like PJ pants...)

I've decided to apply my project management skills to this issue. I've identified my business needs (pulled-together looks I can achieve in the dark before I'm fully awake) and I'm compiling a notebook of best practices (or magazine clippings entitled "What Works Best for a Big Behind"). I've set wardrobe parameters (separates: "tailored and classic with an element of funky"; shoes: "walkable yet eliciting envy from coworkers") - basically, my hope is if I fill my closet with hip and flattering clothing, I can pull clothes at random and still look good. And if I plan my shopping beforehand, I will end the never-ending cycle of desperately purchasing items to fill wardrobe gaps, only to dump said item 6mos later because it is hideously unsuitable.

(Actually, many items get donated because of mysterous food stains the drycleaner can't remove. So will attempt to weight wardrobe towards darker colors...)

Yesterday I tested my new methods on an actual shopping trip.

Stepped into a cute little French boutique (for unique, flattering tops)... and found they didn't stock above a size small. Hmph... Obviously yet another example of French sizism.

Express is no longer my friend - it has, in fact, been completely deleted off my list. Suffice to say, clothes which appeared tailored, chic and (most importantly) work appropriate on the website... turned out to be more Jessica Simpson-esque in the changing room. While J-Simp obviously has many talents - singing, tabloid-worthy relationships and the ability to fit into Daisy Dukes - she's not really one of my style icons. And what's with the insane difference between medium and large?! My barely B-cup breasts were busting out of the medium, while the large hung off of me like a potato sack. Lovely.

JCrew... while I love your sweaters and the oxfords are appropriately lean-cut without unsightly button-straining (ahem... Express)... this rumpled thing is going too far. When you're asking $30 for a t-shirt, is it too much to assume you might actually, you know, fold them? The whole bargain-bin atmosphere is a little too much TJ Maxx for me to take - so I think it's best for our relationship if I stick to the catalog from now on.

Our last stop was Kenneth Cole... where I was supporting Heron through a period of inner struggle (his Asian heritage was unable to fathom spending a $200 gift certificate without getting at least 6 items in return... and right, we were at Kenneth Cole). While Heron suffered with 3-digit price tags, I scanned the shoe section... and found these gorgeous Italian-leather burgundy pumps (with the all-important ankle strap, and therefore very practical for my narrow feet) on sale for $99. People - Kenneth Cole does not sell shoes in the 2-digit range, so of course it would be criminal not to at least try them on. And once I had them on, and they looked all sexy executive, yet walkable with the ankle strap and wide-toe... well, what can I say? They definitely fit the established parameters.

And I was rewarded for taking a chance, since at the register the shoes rung up for $40. I'm taking this as a sign that the gods favor my new plan.

(Though, this does explain why the salesguy looked at me weird when I said I couldn't afford the brown pair as well. But I didn't really need the shoes in two different colors... so it's all for the best, really...)

(Even though we are talking Italian leather pumps on insane sale. But I should definitely at least take these for a test run before committing to two pairs.)

(I'm going back to Kenneth Cole tomorrow, aren't I?)

It's ok that you feel envious of my superior footwear... it was part of the plan. Did I mention they were on supersale?

And how talented am I to take pictures of my own feet without falling over?!

George O'Malley is a Weeny

I've decided 'weeny' is a fabulous word which clearly describes many people I know, including about 50% of the people I am forced to take meetings with. It's just so beautifully clear and precise - I call someone a weeny, no further explanation is needed.

George O'Malley on Grey's Anatomy is a total weeny. I stayed home today, which was awesome considering I could watch episodes of Grey's while virtuously answering numerous emails (this ranks behind napping in Major Reasons I Need to be Promoted to an Office). But George, man... his weeniness is just never-ending. I have little sympathy for those who stick their hands in the fire and complain about the burn. I mean, seriously, could it have been more obvious Meredith was not interested, she was in fact obsessed with Dr. McDreamy? And yet the Weeny One obsesses... and obsesses... and refuses to move on. My inner Sandra Oh can't condone such foolishness.

Regardless, I still have an unhealthy obsession with this show. But unlike poor George, I know it loves me back. Even though our lack of TV reception means I experience it in a more old school manner - like the radio dramas of old. (I keep expecting the characters to wax enthusiastic about the soap they use to scrub in for surgery.) Though occasionally figures do emerge from the snowstorm on the screen, which is just gravy as far as I'm concerned. I mean, if I could see everything, what reason would I have to spend $30 on the DVD? And we all know I'm gonna, so it's best to be able to justify it...

In the news...

NYT: To All the Girls I've Rejected

Obviously, I was a bit disappointed when I realized this was written by the Dean of Admissions at Kenyon College, and not some juicy confessions of a rock star (wrong source, I know)... but at least I feel better about already having gone through college. Dear lord, it's tough nowadays!

Back from Vaca! And How Trackbacks SUCK

Hello again, internet! I'm back from vacation, refreshed and ready to rock. The vacation itself, however, is another story... one to which a long, picture-filled ranting will soon be dedicated. Stay tuned.

I've always wondered what the 'TrackBack' function was... I've seen it on other sites, but it was never used - and the TypePad explanation made no sense. So I decided to turn it on and see what happened.

Well, apparently it is a vehicle for EVIL SPAWN SPAMMERS to attach links to FILTHY NASTY PORNSITES to your innocent, didn't-know-better blog. Those jerks even knew to pick my vacation, the one time I was not totally vigilant in watching my TypePad updates... so I apologize for the nasty, disgusting links you may have been subjected to. They have been reported as spam, and I am turning off TrackBacks from now on. Blech.

In happier news, after hitting the gym today, I've completed two whole weeks of Project 5x5! Three more, and I'll post a picture of me and my prize... still deciding on the lucky item... gee, there are just so many expensive pretty things to choose from! It's times like these that it is so very cruel that Paris Hilton has all that money just lying around, and I am completely underpaid for my dream fashion budget. Seriously, fortune gods, why?! I would only wear pretty clothes suited to my body type - and I totally promise to hire some Nazi personal trainer to keep my body tabloid worthy. Also, you would never, ever have to worry that I would even walk out of a dressing room wearing something this fugly:

Seriously, where is the judgement? Does this girl not understand how badly she needs a decent stylist, or at least a needle and thread? Why else would she go out in ripped-up rags? Also, I would never tan myself day glow orange. That has to count for something!

Anyway, back to my whim of personal re-organization... I've decided to revamp the format of the 'Weekly News Gimmick' - from now on it will be more like 'Ali's Articles of the Day, When She Actually Bothers to Read More than the Headlines on her Personalized Google Page'. Doing a weekly news summary takes work, people - last semester I had to devote many hours of homework procrastination to complete it! And since grad school and I have now broken up (well, I failed to register this semester, and I'm hoping school takes the hint), I've got big plans to fill those hours with my new personal mission, catching up on every TV show I've ever missed (current targets: Alias and Grey's Anatomy). Many, many hours of selfless toil will be needed, before I am properly caught up with pop culture.Oh, and I'll probably have to keep going to work, since my dream career as a lottery winner continues to elude me.

Anyway, the new format will be random articles thrown in with my own exploits, probably without even an attempt at a good transition. That is, when I have exploits to recount, since one reason I started writing about the news in the first place is that not many interesting things happen to me - so why not piggyback on the crazy doings of others? Seriously, if I restricted myself to nuttiness that is the Bush administration, I'd have plenty of material for years to come... probably even after Bush leaves office, since with Cheney's health record, I hardly think his eyesight is going to improve. (And without the bother of having to be constantly spirited off to an 'undisclosed location', he'll probably have a lot more time to go shoot things!)

Speaking of imperfection in politics...

NYT: But Will Senator Barack Obama Be Loved Tomorrow?

"The ones who have been successful were very focused in understanding where they wanted to go, and had a good strategy to get there," Professor West said. "You can't wait too long because golden boys only last so long and then they start to tarnish. And then they just become one of the pack, and there's nothing special about them."

America, we need to talk about our collective insecurity complex. Now I agree, anyone who actually wants to run for national office must have something very wrong with them. But lack of imperfection should NOT be a reason to end someone's political career - can't we at least wait until he has sex with a few interns before writing him off?

Also - what is wrong with electing hot guys? Especially hot African American guys - could we possibly extend presidential diversity beyond yay, we elected a Catholic once? Though JFK was young, hot and talented, I'll give you that. But perhaps this comparison should worry Obama the most - JFK's reign wasn't only about being able to have sex with Jackie O and Marilyn Monroe. He also got shot. And once the whole conspiracy thing shakes out, I wouldn't be surprised if some fugly old WASP politician offed him out of jealousy. Obama, watch your back. Or maybe eat a few more donuts... America will love you for it.

LAT: Shouldn't men have 'choice' too?

I realize this article's over a year old - didn't realize this was a brewing contraversy until I read about it in Slate's Kausfiles. (I know - where have I been?) Roe for Men (allowing men to opt out of fatherhood responsibilities, not slang for hairloss prevention) is an interesting concept - I like the idea of forcing horny young things to sign pre-sex legal agreements. I'd take Kaus one further and demand physical evidence of contraception use. That's right, fellas - start storing those used condoms. Safe sex could save your life in more ways than one...

As for the men who think squirting a little of their seed gives them the right to force a woman to bear their brat - I'm not giving an inch, you crazy religious control freaks. As men, you do have an option to be a father - it's called 'adoption'. Now go out there and exercise your rights before Angelina Jolie snaps up all the good orphans.

FS-S: South Park-Scientology war rages

"So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun!" the South Park creators said in a statement Friday in Daily Variety.

How much do I heart South Park?! While I find all organized religion suspect, I just cannot bring myself to even pretend to respect Scientology. Stories of aliens landing on Earth should be strictly restricted to the Enquirer, and no 'religion' requiring women to give birth in silence WITHOUT DRUGS should be allowed tax-exempt status. Honestly, haven't the normal religions done enough to oppress women already?!

IS: 'South Park' religious satire too much for Isaac Hayes

Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion.

Somehow, I'd never have thought a character who sang about his big salty balls could be easily offended. Hollywood is so damn weird.

Vacation! With a Side of Body Issues

Internet, I'm going to Jackson Hole! For a whole week, I'll be trading spreadsheets for shredding! My cramped cubicle for the Rocky Mountains! Very very excited...

Don't worry, internet! I'll come back with lots of lovely pictures! Like the one I found on the Jackson Hole website, by the very talented and hopefully not at all litigious Darrell Miller... why, hello Mr. Miller! Look how I clearly noted your ownership of this image. And before you get too worked up, blame the webmaster. I'm not the one who left all the photos unlocked, for just any unscrupulous blogger to steal when she felt the urge...

So leading up to my marvelous week of freedom, I've had another busy week of work, work, work! and hating my butt and thighs. And stomach, and possibly my chin. You know, typical girly stuff.

It's actually kind of ironic - judging by the way my clothing fits, I'm in the worst shape of my life. Yet, in my sporadic visits to the gym, I perform better than I ever have - at least since I rowed crew in college, and really that was more a result of bullying than personal motivation. (Seriously, you have no idea how mean those little coxswains can be. Napoleon complex doesn't even start to describe them...) How the hell can my legs be flabbier AND faster? I mean, all the jiggling and thigh-rubbing has to be dragging and causing unnecessary friction. Though I have been known to wear some seriously supportive spandex pants, which perhaps sculpt my thighs into a more aerodynamic shape.

Before you give me some well-meaning and probably completely correct dieting advice, you need to understand that not only do I have the willpower of a 5 yr old Cookie Monster, I am an angry dieter. As soon as my blood sugar dips in the slightest, I start acting like there is some worldwide conspiracy to deny me HoHos and you are all a part of it. Carrot sticks sans fattening dip (ie, rabbit food) simply makes me hungrier (at least until I eat half a bag, then I'm just sick). I tried not to snack for about a month, until I almost killed my boyfriend for suggesting that waiting 15min for a table wasn't the end of the world. IT IS THE END OF THE WORLD, YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME ON PURPOSE, AND WHY AM I NOT AT MCDONALD'S STUFFING MY FACE WITH FRENCH FRIES?!

So while I am attempting to eat better (just learned that Cool Ranch Doritos are not a food group! so perhaps I don't need to eat them daily), I still need to eat every two hours, and whoever withholds the chocolate chip cookies is a dead man. 'Grazing', as they call it, is supposed to be a healthy way of eating, but I imagine those experts meant it in the literal sense where you are eating grass or carrot sticks or other assorted foods which taste like the ground. Certainly not something so verboten as a muffin. Also they measure out these impossibly small portions, like you would really be full after eating 4 almonds. Do you think that if I had the anorexic tendencies allowing me to stop after half an apple, I would still be overweight?! My hair may be red, but that does not make me Lindsay Lohan. Freaks.

So as you can see, my only real option is some serious gym time. I do honestly like working out, but not more than sleep or sitting on my ass, and there is only 24hrs in a day and I waste like 12 at work. I need a motivating factor which overrides the short-term pleasure of spending that extra 30min in bed and which is more instantaneous than actual weight loss... but I have a hard time with reward systems. I know people promise themselves things - if I work really hard, I'll buy myself that shiny ring - but my head doesn't play that game. I know I can buy the ring now because, who's going to stop me? Me? Pfft! Don't make me laugh. I know where I keep that credit card.

But of course, that thinking is what's allowed me to run out the limit on my (thankfully puny) credit card, so perhaps this will work... financial discipline combined with working out reward system - I'll pick a big ticket item that I desperately need, can't live without - and can't buy until I've worked out 5 days a week for 5 weeks in a row. We'll call it Project 5x5, and I'll keep you updated on my progress. But no need to be scared - there will be no gross pictures of my cellulite, because this is not Cosmo and I do still have the remaining shreds of my dignity to consider. And... ew.

Of course the risk is I will spend all my money on small-ticket items in my usual attempt to find happiness through consumption (I was taking all those grad econ courses, after all). But should I follow the plan correctly, either I'll end up richer or thinner (with nicer clothes!), and it would be nice to achieve at least one of those things while still in my 20s. Since I've already dedicated my 30s to world domination, either outcome would be helpful.

Learning to Share

My mother tells me that when I was young, I refused to 'share' any of my toys with my friends. Sensing I was embarking down the path to social isolation (no one likes the kid who hoards her Barbies), she pulled me aside and told me while I might have a few toys that were 'special', I needed to learn to share the others.

I'm sure I nodded my little 5 yr old head, and Mom went off feeling she had herded her darling back onto the righteous path. Until my next playdate, when she caught me taking back all the toys the other girl picked up, because they were 'special'. In fact, it turned out that all my belongings were 'special'. I was one special little princess, and even now my family refers to me as the Queen of Everything. (They even got me a pillow that says so.)

I've gotten better about the sharing (though I still don't think that whole 'family-style' serving is normal - if I had wanted whatever the hell you got on your plate, I'd have ordered it, so back off - but dating an Asian man for four years, you learn to accept it) but every so often I revert back to my 5 yr old self. Especially with strangers, I've totally got that Yankee suspicion thing going... as in, what is wrong with you, that you are talking to me and I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU? That is NOT ALLOWED, and you are obviously a psycho freak. Give me a sawed off shotgun and a peephole to stick it through, and I'd be totally at home.

Today, while in my happy little commuting world (iPod! Tabloid! A SEAT ON THE TRAIN! It doesn't get much better...) I was rudely awakened by my neighbor, who was pawing at my magazine and jabbering away. After getting over the shock that someone was TALKING TO me (rather than ranting at), I fumbled with my headphones and was blown away: she was upset because I turned the page before SHE was finished reading it. Let's recap this subway faux pas:

1. She admitted to reading over my shoulder. This is a cardinal sin among NYC commuters, who try to pretend that the person pressed up against their ass doesn't exist, let alone carry reading material.
2. She then informed me that I was not allowing her to properly inconvenience me, by reading MY magazine at MY pace WHILE TRYING TO IGNORE HER EXISTENCE AND THAT OF THE 50 OTHER PEOPLE PRESSED UP AGAINST ME, JESUS, DO YOU WANT ME TO HAVE A CLAUSTROPHOBIC EPISODE WHILE ON THIS DAMN EXPRESS TRAIN THAT WENT FUCKING LOCAL DURING RUSH HOUR B/C LIFE SUCKS AND THEN YOU DIE?!
3. Her tone of voice made it clear that, GOD, what was wrong with me that I didn't understand I was supposed to share my magazine with complete strangers and FLIP THE PAGE WHEN THEY WERE DAMN WELL READY?!

Mom, don't despair. While I held firm to the fact that it was my God-given RIGHT to fold my trashy tabloid any way I please (this is AMERICA, people! Freedom! Democracy! Personal property rights!), after a bit I felt kinda mean denying her a little celebrity gossip at the end of a hard day. While I was far too stubborn to turn back the page to let her finish reading the latest exploits of Brangelina (because it was MY 'special' magazine! MINE!), I did tilt the magazine in her direction and read extra slowly, so she too could learn that Keira's favorite personal attribute was her rock-hard stomach.

I may just get the hang of this sharing thing yet.

In other news...

REUTERS: What are your rights? 'D'oh'

Most Americans have an easier time naming members of the cartoon Simpson family than listing the five freedoms granted by the nation's founders, a survey by a museum released on Wednesday said.

I am so the worst poli sci major ever - seriously, my first try was the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Which would be from, uh... an entirely different document. But, yes, I can name all of the Simpsons (Ashley, Jessica and Nick, right?) and probably most of the supporting characters. Go American public schools!

REUTERS: Palestinian eyes alcohol-free beer after Hamas win

Palestinian brewer Nadim Khoury, far from going out of business after Hamas Islamists won an election landslide, is preparing a new product -- non-alcoholic beer.

Khoury said his brewery would put a green label on bottles instead of the gold one on regular Taybeh beer. The reason? The green flag of Hamas.

I don't know about you, but hearing that the political win of Hamas has inspired a new beer puts me a little at ease... I mean, how much terrorism are you really going to get up to, once you have the alternative of kicking back with a cold one? Getting that worked up about the infidels takes effort, man! Pretty soon American companies will get wind of this, and all those would-be martyrs will be partying it up with green-shirted Budweiser girls instead.

Ah, the spread of American values is such a beautiful thing...

SLATE: The President's Indian Fantasy - The rash nukes pledge is typical of Bush's strategic shortsightedness.

I honestly think that sometimes, President doesn't even try. We may not be at war with India, and yes, they are a land of opportunity, but gee, couldn't we think about this one little gosh-darned minute before we start handing over the nuclear materials? This would be the country we worried would end up destroying a large part of the world through its reckless arms race with Pakistan, like, last year. Oh, and by the way, there's all these international treaties and American laws which forbid this, but why would they apply here? As leader of the free world, you should be able to hand out nukes willy-nilly as you feel like it. Because you should never, ever worry they might get pointed back at YOU.

Are you listening, Mr. President? I don't want to hear one more PEEP about your right to illegally wiretap American citizens... because if you can't even be trusted to secure America's nuclear material, what on Earth do you hope to accomplish here? Figure out when someone has commandeered American bomb-making materials, and loves the irony of vaporising us with it? Idiot.

Well... now that I know our President has such a tight grip on national security, I can finally sleep at night. Sweet dreams, internet!

Did Your Mama Teach You That?

In my book, celebrities can earn fame in two ways:

1. Talent and hard work.
2. Engaging in very public relationships filled with the sort of drama found in badly-scripted teen soap operas. Then, hopefully someone cheats/dies/comes out of the closet, allowing for an even MORE tasteless second act. And probably somewhere along the way children should be born, to ensure the supply of the fame-hungry and socially-inept.

[NOTE: Can't WAIT for Brit and K-Fed's kid to grow up... that child will be a GOLDMINE of white trash misbehavior.]

Speaking of which...

NYT: Justices Hear a Drama Straight From Tabloids

One might wonder why a simple inheritance case was being heard by the choosy Supreme Court. However, now it is clear that Chief Justice Roberts just wanted a chance to talk about Anna Nicole Smith's "substantial assets". (Heh heh...pervert.)

[NOTE: Or as Holly would say, Anna Nicole's 'ta-tas'. I sometimes think it was such a shame we broke off from England before absorbing all their fascinating slang terms... if only, you know, they weren't so pushy with the taxes and the tea.]

NYP: 'BLACK-EYE BANDIT'

Ok, forget the whole bank-robbing thing... the real crime here is this woman's shoddy appearance. Serious criminals would at least comb their hair before going about their business... there's mug shots to consider, people! Looking all crack-addict crazy in the Post, that pretty much guarantees a conviction. There is no chance in hell people will see this and think, that nice girl couldn't possibly have done anything wrong... as this photo just screams GUILTY CRACK-WHORE.

NYT: To: Professor@University.edu Subject: Why It's All About Me

Calling all parents - if your child is the kind of idiot who emails her professor that she was late to class because she was still hungover from a "wild weekend party", you best start planning to pay for your own retirement NOW. Because obviously she will never be a good enough liar to hold down a decent job. [Examples of professional faux pas you can look forward to - here.]

NYT: No Cinderella Story, No Ball, No Black Debutante

I know it's more complicated than this, but... jesus, rich white people of Louisiana, there was a HURRICANE. People DIED. This is a time for unity if there ever was one... so, invite this poor girl with the fabulous dress to your stupid ball already! In the spirit of America, middle class of all races should be able to join up and scorn the poor together! She just wants her chance to be an elitist snob, the same as you, and why would you let a little flood water drown her dream?

NYT: Stretched to Limit, Women Stall March to Work

...working mothers... spent an average of 12 hours a week on child care in 2003, an hour more than stay-at-home mothers did in 1975.

Uh... am I the only one wondering what the hell else those stay-at-home mothers were doing the other 156 hours of the week? Even Donna Reed had her vacuuming limits...

But seriously, I think this whole debate saddens me, since it seems to be missing the point - feminism shouldn't be yet another lifestyle dictated to women by society, it should be about women making their own lifestyle choices.

Also, it's about men doing household chores. (I figure we girls have done them for a few millenia - your turn, boys! Don't worry, we'll let you know if you missed a spot. During the commercials, of course.)

ECONOMIST: Priceless pranks

Ahhh... the old ones are the best. Especially when a stiffed military contractor managed to trick the Crusadors out of sacking Jerusalem. Apparently the Crusadors weren't the sharpest swords in the shed.

ECONOMIST: Trashy magazines junked!

I am glad to know that the Economist has validated my choice of trashy mags - I would never, ever stoop to reading the National Enquirer. (At least not out of the grocery line, and then only with very loud scoffing to show my utter and complete disdain of such garbage.) I also would never spend more than $1.99 on a tabloid - obviously, the willingness to spend over $3 for celebrity gossip would mean I had a problem.

Not that I subscribe, because I don't have a problem. Just buy them at the newsstand once and awhile. I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT. Really - cold turkey. I only get them for the sparkly dresses, anyway...

And while we're on the topic, even though OK! has a new and attractive low price, do not be fooled. Even $2 is too much to spend on that celebrity propaganda... while all the other magazines were discussing TomKat's imminent split (because I would like to think the pregnancy hormones had shocked Katie back into sanity - Katie! Do you want your child to be exposed to Tom's couch-jumping antics?!), OK! trumpets their marriage plan as a happy and sane course of action. Really, people - in the spirit of free press and American democracy, such pandering to the publicists is just shameful and wrong. People magazine, I am looking at YOU.

Not that I take tabloids that seriously. Really, I only read them once in a while! Maybe a few a week! And only the cheap ones! When I need a little pick-me-up! No problem here... I subscribe to the Economist, for chrissakes. Am obviously a very intelligent and serious person...