alidancer

de-doocing

I've decided that I should probably edit my work entries, if only to save poor Heron from his on-going anxiety that I will be discovered, summarily fired and expecting him to support me in this life of luxury to which I have become accustomed.

His latest hint was to post an am new york article entitled "Companies Face Decisions About Blogging Policies". Of course, he posted this on our bulletin board, which resides in a hallway so dimly lit I barely even try to make out what's on there.

(This would be how I missed a full page article WITH A HUGE PICTURE OF THONGS which Heron -suggestively - posted, and which was discovered instead by my coworkers when we had them over for dinner. Obviously my itty bitty website is not the BIGGEST threat to my career, Mr. Hinty Heron...)

Not getting a reaction from me (since I obviously haven't learned from the Lesson of the Thong Picture and started checking the board), Heron asked me if I'd seen the article, since am new york is obviously a respected media source to which I should listen.

Two things:

1. am new york is free and available everywhere.
2. am new york still needs to hire people to aggressively shove copies in commuters' faces in order to be read. People take the paper to avoid personal injury.

But, since he is so very, very cute when he gets all serious and preachy (you should see his worry face! so darling!), I've relented. Mostly because my OCD side gets a kick out of re-arranging things... like when I spent hours re-arranging all our pictures and my cosmetic table before my coworkers arrived (and yet missed the ENORMOUS PICTURE OF THONGS on the bulletin board).

Anyway, I'm letting you all know, since when I'm a rich and famous blogger my hordes of fans will be trading boot-legged screenshots of the 'uncut' entries on eBay. This is your chance to buy in on the action, people! Serious money to be made here!

And cut me in, ok? Hopefully then I'll be so rich, it won't matter when I get fired...

Death by Chiffon

Watched some of the ice dancing competition... and whoever designs these costumes, THEY MUST BE STOPPED.

Especially the person who designs the costumes for the Italian couple, Barbara Fusar-Poli and Maurizio Margaglio... the peach chiffon in the compulsary dance was scary enough... but tonight's costumes? Red and yellow gold? Looked like it was designed with some crazy glue and plastic jewels from Michaels. (Where, conveniently enough, there is currently a feature on 101 Ways to Use Tulle.)

And that just wasn't tacky enough for Margaglio - something was missing...

Right - A BABY BLUE SCARF. Just staple that baby on the front and he's ready to go!

Seriously, people, THIS MUST END. How can the commentators see a full-grown man dressed like this:

... and NOT SAY SOMETHING?! Where is Joan Rivers when you need her?!

Meeting Don'ts

Really, truly trying to be better about posting regularly. Have been working for days on a new Weekly News Gimmick, yet it is lots of work what with all that reading of articles and thinking about them... and have had important tasks to fulfill, such as sleeping off hangovers and watching Grey's Anatomy. Also went to a friend's tea party yesterday (the type of friend whose idea of 'light refreshments' more closely resembles 'all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet' - god, I adore that girl) and spent many hours consuming tasty treats, which means I had best seriously consider going for a run today. ('Seriously considering' exercise, esp if you think about it really hard, ought to burn some calories, right? Can't my mental idiosyncrasies work for me, for once?) And then there is this little issue of the work I brought home over the weekend, a 'small project' that consists of at least 100 pgs of reading... I mean, really, why didn't I just go into work?

So anyway, the news post is definitely going to have to wait. But don't worry! I still have plenty of helpful advice to give, especially to all those crazy kids who recently entered the working world. Based on behaviors I have actually seen with my very own eyes!

Working Etiquette: Meeting DON'Ts

1. Wearing clothing inappropriate to the working environment. I understand how someone new to 'Casual Friday' may not understand this relaxed dress code does not apply to meetings with clients. I do not understand how a person would find a jean skirt with sideslits up to her ass as appropriate workgear outside the set of 'Pretty Woman'.
2. Telling long and inane personal stories, without any relevance or even the hint of a punchline. Repeated storytelling offenses along the lines of "one time, me and my boyfriend/girlfriend/other random person... did something completely boring (which I will describe at length! 'cuz it's so funny!)... and then there was something else... and (10min later) so... yeah" will seriously tempt your coworkers to pitch you out a window. All the better if you're 30 stories up and the window is shut. Really - WE DO NOT CARE.
3. Yawning loudly and repeatedly during meetings. I definitely know the feeling of fighting to stay awake during a meeting. However, making a huge display of how boring you find your higher-ups is really not the best way to professional advancement. It is a great way to make the rest of us fantasize about throwing paperclips in your open mouth to see if we can get you to choke on them.
4. Putting your head down during the meeting. Work is strangely different from nursery school... especially in how there is no official nap time. Be smart and learn to sleep inconspicuously at your desk, like the rest of us.
5. Making snide remarks about a project to which you have contributed exactly zero effort. If your job is basically window dressing, learn to keep a low profile. Do not annoy people who actually do work. Unless you like being attacked with powerpoint presentations and pointy Bic pens.

Avoid these and any other behaviors featured in a Dilbert comic, and you may just survive that daily grind...

Really. It's just that simple.

For Barbara...

... who does not read my blog, since she does not believe blogs are an acceptable form of friend-to-friend communication. (Which is totally ironic since SHE's the type of person blogs are made for -writes emails so freakin' seinfeld witty that it is just not fair to have to compete with a reply-to-all...) But she's the one who loves all my stories that include a costume change, so I'm dedicating today's exploits to her in the spirit that if she DID read my blog, she would be pleased.

Anyway, it all starts with the fact that I am totally incompetent at dressing myself in the morning... prime example being that I walked out today in WHITE PANTS. To clarify:

Normal person's thought process...
BIG SNOW + WARM WEATHER + CITY GRIME = WET CLOTHES-RUINING NASTINESS

Ali's thought process...
Look! Cute white pants! Go with green sweater! Haven't worn THESE in awhile...

Needless to say, my lovely white pants are now pants with dirt brown bottoms. Realized I had outside meetings with people who'd never met me and this was not the most professional look... and once again, I am shopping due to wardrobe malfunction. Tried to go to the Gap, but the one down here smells like the Fulton fish market (they try to hide it with patchouli, but that's just makes it smell like patchouli fish, which is uh, not attractive) and smelling like fish? Not an improvement in the professionalism department. (Though, could help clear out any unnecessary meetings on my schedule...)

NOTE: It weirds me out... I've returned stuff here and the place will be CROWDED, meaning I will have to wait in line, in the patchouli fish stink, while people actually purchase clothes. People, it's THE GAP. There are 20 other locations in Manhattan alone, which will happily sell you the same exact clothes, minus the fish funk. Perhaps there was en masse wardrobe malfunction? Should I start a support group?

Thankfully, I did find some unscented pants (on sale!) at Benetton which fit ok, but uh... went down a bit too low in the back, and I hadn't budgeted time for tailoring. Fortunately the white pants necessitated skin-colored panties, so at least I wasn't flashing the world, say, the pink ones with the polar bears. (You are TOO SEXY! NO! CAN'T LOOK! TOO SEXY!) So then I had a sales associate race around the store, to find a large enough sweater to hide the undies gap. (Note to Benetton: would it kill you to carry a few sizes other than tiny Asian girl?) Mission accomplished.

And then... back to work. In a completely different outfit... and no one noticed. I was like, hellooooo, cubicle neighbors... don't you realize I was wearing a GREEN sweater with WHITE pants?! And now I have on a BROWN sweater with BROWN pants?! And while you are all staring at my ass, can you check if my panties are showing?!

So clearly I am the anti-smooth. But seriously, I'm kinda proud of my skills... I buy WAY cuter clothes under pressure. Do you think I could sell that reality show? And if so, what should I call it?

Clap Your Hands Say Where?

Spent 10 min emptying out my purse this morning, trying to find the all-essential iPod (I can't commute without it. Just. CAN'T.) which was, of course, lying on the shelf next to me the entire time. It's times like these that I wish someone would invent a device that let me locate important, all-essential devices by clapping. And then they would beep cheerily back, and I would collect them and we'd be on our merry way.

Of course, there are many, many things I can't find since I have the memory of a butterfly with Alzheimer's... so I'd probably need different clapping combinations to clarify which object I am currently searching for. Which I would then forget, and do that thing I do with passwords where I try random combinations of words I vaguely remember as possibly being a password I may have used once. Or that maybe I saw in a movie and then forgot it wasn't reality.

So basically, instead of spending my mornings running around like a mad woman, dumping out the contents of random bags, I would spend them running around like a mad woman, clapping wildly in varying rhythms... until I give up and start emptying all bags. And then the stalker across the street (I don't know for sure that I have one, but this is New York and there are all kinds of sickos) will post his video of me on the internet and I will become the new web phenomenon.

Do you think the stalker has my website? This could really bring in some much-needed traffic...

A Meme for a Snowy Winter's Day

Currently, I’m experiencing a thrill that hasn’t happened since high school…

Two words: SNOW DAY.

The enormous snowstorm that shut down the Northeast has given Heron and I the perfect excuse to stay in my parent’s condo an extra day, and cuddle (mostly) guilt-free in front of the Olympics on the plasma screen TV, chips and dip ready at hand (well, after I convinced Heron that driving 2 miles to the store was NOT the same as being able to drive 4hrs back to NYC). I’ve baked us some brownies as well… it’s going to be a good night.

NOTE: When did it become ‘irresponsible’ to accept that record amounts of snowfall, icy roads and shut-down public transportation mean that you will not make it into the office? I am not some ER doc – people will not DIE if I spend the day at home. Nature is suggesting that I take a vacation, and I don’t need to be asked twice…

SLIGHT DIGRESSION… Ridiculous things said by Olympic commentators:

“We’ve seen all the excitement cross country skiing can bring here today.” (That cross country skiing; talk about the wild and crazy adventures to be had!)

“Danger lurks within every curve.” (It’s LUGE, jackass – sliding down an icy waterslide at 90mph is SUICIDAL by most people’s standards.)

“And in this lane we have Ahn Hyun-Soo… who, when we last saw in Salt Lake looked like Harry Potter, but has now grown into one of the dominant figures of speedskating.” (Is the announcer trying to suggest Hyun-Soo raced in Utah with a wand? Also not happy about the vision I now have of Harry Potter in one of those skin-tight unitard thingies…)

“They call him the speeding white sausage of luge!” (Seriously, someone really said this. I could not make this shit up.)

AND BACK TO OUR SHOW… Anyway, I figure this is a good night for a meme! Got this from Joke.

Four bizarre jobs I have held and the length of time I lasted and how I left:

1. Not sure I’ve done anything truly bizarre… but in high school I spent three loooong years as a minimum wage drudge at Walgreens. You may think that you’d need to work at a store like Hot Topic to really see the freak show, but let me remind you that ALL people must go the drugstore. And NONE of them are happy to be there. You do the math.
2. My college job was working the front desk in the library, which thankfully was very little work over all. The hardest part was understanding the grad students, who were usually screaming at us over some sort of late fees. One man asked me why, after renewing his books online, the due date sticker on the back didn’t change. However, it gave me pocket change for 2 years and introduced me to my current boyfriend, so overall I’d say it worked out. Especially since I now have the valuable talent of being able to work the Library of Congress system.
3. Spent a summer at my dad’s company, where I babysat a microwave machine that baked silicon wafers. Oh yes, this was just as exciting as it sounds! As an added bonus, the techies I worked with would regale me with stories of their excessive drug use during their high school glory days while their chain-smoking did irreparable damage to my lungs. (I never knew it was possible to suffocate from cigarette smoke while OUTDOORS.) This was also the job where I learned that bigger screens were not automatically better… during a company-wide meeting held in a nearby movie theater, projecting on the silver screen amplified the dullness factor of an otherwise normal PowerPoint presentation, and it came dangerously close to boring us all to death.
4. Spent another summer filing at the billing office of one of the youth programs at my university. Worse even than watching the microwave (where at least I could read a book between runs), my only entertainment was the ladies working the phones, who alternated between yelling loudly at their kids over the telephone and bickering with each other, until someone would run and tattle to the manager. The manager, however, was very impressed with my ability to file in actual alphabetical order, as well as how little trouble I managed to make during my entire stay.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

I am easily entertained, so there are many movies I’ll watch repeatedly. It also helps that I have the worst memory ever… so, if I wait long enough, it’s like seeing it for the first time! Therefore the titles below are not by any means my only favorites, probably just the ones I saw most recently (for the umpteenth time):

1. The Charlie’s Angels flicks – totally corny but totally fun. There should be MORE films where the women kick ass. While we’re at it, I love pretty much any movie with either Zhang Zi Yi, Michelle Yeoh or similar kickass Asian rockstar.
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy – I am a complete LOTR dork.
3. Moulin Rouge – love musicals. LOVE THEM.
4. Muhjse Dosti Karoge – one the first Bollywood films I saw, which sealed my undying love for the genre. And again, it’s all about the musicals.

Four places I've liked :

1. New England – I consider both Massachusetts and New Hampshire to be home. It is the most beautiful region on Earth, and don’t you let me catch you saying otherwise.
2. Paris – I know it’s very cliché, but it’s one of my favorite places and I always love going back.
3. Puerto Rico – the first time I saw a real tropical rainforest! Come to think of it, the only time I’ve seen anything remotely tropical… my family’s the cold weather kind…
4. New York City – though I will never, EVER be caught dead in a Yankees hat.

Four TV shows I like:

1. West Wing – the love of my life! So witty, so right on, such cute guys! Is it bad that I currently prefer Jed Bartlett to any actual Democratic candidate?
2. Sex and the City – I still miss it… but happily I own all the DVDs, so I’ll always have the memories. And it was SO COOL to be able to watch it while living in New York, it was almost like we got to be part of it.
3. Desperate Housewives – the first season was like crack – I literally would watch two DVDs at a time without having the willpower to stop.
4. I recently became addicted to Greys Anatomy (like last week). But I love all those medical shows, like ER and Scrubs.

Four Family Vacations I've been on:

1. Skiing in Quebec
2. Skiing in Colorado… a pattern develops…
3. Disneyworld, otherwise known as The Last Time I Will Ever Willingly Spend More Than 4hrs in a Car, Since 24hrs Each Way is a Cruel and Unusual Punishment.
4. Skiing in Utah. Thankfully we arrived by plane.

Four of my favorite fast food dishes:

This is sort of cheating, since pretty much everything in NYC can be gotten as fast food. (The starred ones I’m agreeing with Joke.)

1. Sushi,* pho and pretty much any Asian noodle dish. (Non-spicy – I’m as white as it gets.)
2. Starbucks.*
3. Mushroom pizza.
4. Roti canai, which I eat as often as Heron will allow me to order Malaysian.

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Dooce
2. New York Times
3. Dear Abby
4. Amalah

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. In bed, snuggling up to Heron. (It’s getting late…)
2. On top of a mountain, on a nice autumn day.
3. On top of a mountain, in fabulous skiing weather.
4. On a lovely Caribbean beach.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

1. Sweet & Vicious
2. Massander
3. The Big Dog
4. Waste of Tape

Four bizarre jobs I have held and the length of time I lasted and how I left:

1. Not sure I’ve done anything truly bizarre… but in high school I spent three loooong years as a minimum wage drudge at Walgreens. You may think that you’d need to work at a store like Hot Topic to really see the freak show, but let me remind you that ALL people must go the drugstore. And NONE of them are happy to be there. You do the math.
2. My college job was working the front desk in the library, which thankfully was very little work over all. The hardest part was understanding the grad students, who were usually screaming at us over some sort of late fees. One man asked me why, after renewing his books online, the due date sticker on the back didn’t change. However, it gave me pocket change for 2 years and introduced me to my current boyfriend, so overall I’d say it worked out. Especially since I now have the valuable talent of being able to work the Library of Congress system.
3. Spent a summer at my dad’s company, where I babysat a microwave machine that baked silicon wafers. Oh yes, this was just as exciting as it sounds! As an added bonus, the techies I worked with would regale me with stories of their excessive drug use during their high school glory days while their chain-smoking did irreparable damage to my lungs. (I never knew it was possible to suffocate from cigarette smoke while OUTDOORS.) This was also the job where I learned that bigger screens were not automatically better… during a company-wide meeting held in a nearby movie theater, projecting on the silver screen amplified the dullness factor of an otherwise normal PowerPoint presentation, and it came dangerously close to boring us all to death.
4. Spent another summer filing at the billing office of one of the youth programs at my university. Worse even than watching the microwave (where at least I could read a book between runs), my only entertainment was the ladies working the phones, who alternated between yelling loudly at their kids over the telephone and bickering with each other, until someone would run and tattle to the manager. The manager, however, was very impressed with my ability to file in actual alphabetical order, as well as how little trouble I managed to make during my entire stay.

Four movies I can watch over and over:

I am easily entertained, so there are many movies I’ll watch repeatedly. It also helps that I have the worst memory ever… so, if I wait long enough, it’s like seeing it for the first time! Therefore the titles below are not by any means my only favorites, probably just the ones I saw most recently (for the umpteenth time):

1. The Charlie’s Angels flicks – totally corny but totally fun. There should be MORE films where the women kick ass. While we’re at it, I love pretty much any movie with either Zhang Zi Yi, Michelle Yeoh or similar kickass Asian rockstar.
2. The Lord of the Rings trilogy – I am a complete LOTR dork.
3. Moulin Rouge – love musicals. LOVE THEM.
4. Muhjse Dosti Karoge – one the first Bollywood films I saw, which sealed my undying love for the genre. And again, it’s all about the musicals.

Four places I've liked :

1. New England – I consider both Massachusetts and New Hampshire to be home. It is the most beautiful region on Earth, and don’t you let me catch you saying otherwise.
2. Paris – I know it’s very cliché, but it’s one of my favorite places and I always love going back.
3. Puerto Rico – the first time I saw a real tropical rainforest! Come to think of it, the only time I’ve seen anything remotely tropical… my family’s the cold weather kind…
4. New York City – though I will never, EVER be caught dead in a Yankees hat.

Four TV shows I like:

1. West Wing – the love of my life! So witty, so right on, such cute guys! Is it bad that I currently prefer Jed Bartlett to any actual Democratic candidate?
2. Sex and the City – I still miss it… but happily I own all the DVDs, so I’ll always have the memories. And it was SO COOL to be able to watch it while living in New York, it was almost like we got to be part of it.
3. Desperate Housewives – the first season was like crack – I literally would watch two DVDs at a time without having the willpower to stop.
4. I recently became addicted to Greys Anatomy (like last week). But I love all those medical shows, like ER and Scrubs.

Four Family Vacations I've been on:

1. Skiing in Quebec
2. Skiing in Colorado… a pattern develops…
3. Disneyworld, otherwise known as The Last Time I Will Ever Willingly Spend More Than 4hrs in a Car, Since 24hrs Each Way is a Cruel and Unusual Punishment.
4. Skiing in Utah. Thankfully we arrived by plane.

Four of my favorite fast food dishes:

This is sort of cheating, since pretty much everything in NYC can be gotten as fast food. (The starred ones I’m agreeing with Joke.)

1. Sushi,* pho and pretty much any Asian noodle dish. (Non-spicy – I’m as white as it gets.)
2. Starbucks.*
3. Mushroom pizza.
4. Roti canai, which I eat as often as Heron will allow me to order Malaysian.

Four sites I visit daily:

1. Dooce
2. New York Times
3. Dear Abby
4. Amalah

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. In bed, snuggling up to Heron. (It’s getting late…)
2. On top of a mountain, on a nice autumn day.
3. On top of a mountain, in fabulous skiing weather.
4. On a lovely Caribbean beach.

Four bloggers I am tagging:

1. Sweet & Vicious
2. Massander
3. The Big Dog
4. Waste of Tape

Vignettes - Lots and Lots of Them

So... haven't posted because I've been busy! Doing stuff! Around!

But luckily I was forced to leave work due to sudden onset of evil flu-like sickness which made it possible I would either (a) pass out in meeting or (b) throw up in one, and while (a) might have been ok since wouldn't be conscious for the rush to the ER (and possibility of cute ER doc! and obviously Ali needs to stop watching so many medical dramas!); option (b) would be something I could never live down and it didn't seem like my body was running this as a democratic voting process.

Anyway, this means I can finally finish the crazy long post I started like 5 days ago - seriously, the gods are smiling on me. All events below happened over a week ago... but don't you worry! I took notes! Like in 4th period French!

And finally, what you all have been waiting for...

SCENES FROM THE LIFE OF ME

**************************************************************************************************************

Recently I went out with my coworkers for Restaurant Week. At a restaurant which shall not be named (ie, it's been so long I've forgotten), we happily settled in and placed our orders, brimming with expectations of culinary magic we ordinary folks could not normally afford. O Blessed Restaurant Week, when the fare of gods is made temporarily available to the mere mortals!

Apparently the gods? Don't set too high a bar. But our appetizers seemed perfectly passable, until we were finished... and there, on Brian's salad plate, lay a sprinkling on an unidentified, dark substance.

Now, since we are all mature and serious adults, respecting of our coworkers, there was obviously only one course of action.

We dared Brian to try it. And he did.

It was dirt. Like, the kind that comes from the ground.

Brian handed the plate to the waiter and waited for the apologies and obviously, the free meal. I mean, seriously - the guy had eaten dirt. He could totally be a reality show contestant! The waiter went to find his manager.

The manager came over and trilled in her very proper British accent: "It does seem to be dirt! I am terribly sorry... but, you know, I tried it myself and it is good clean dirt, the kind from the hothouses. Certainly not dirt from outdoors - now that would be horrible!"

Great. Brian may have eaten dirt, but at least he didn't have to worry about dirt-borne diseases. Because that was obviously our concern here.

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Phone conversation with Heron, re: train to take to White Plains.

Ali: So, do I take the train east or west of the Ho?

Heron: Uh, east. But wouldn't it be east of the Hu? For Hudson?

Ali: Right. You can only go north or south of the Ho. Since Houston Street runs east-west.

Heron: Exactly. Got to keep them straight.

**************************************************************************************************************

Crazy skier headwear is making a comeback.

I've never understood these hats. What exactly is their appeal? Are you not sufficiently shredding the slopes without feeling the wind streaming through the pointy parts of your ridiculous jester hat? Does wearing some obnoxious furry animal on your head show off that wild and crazy part of you, hidden by your sensible parka and long johns? I'm assuming that these people feel no need to walk around with zebra head coverings in their normal daily life... so what gives?!

I thought that perhaps the trend would finally be killed for practical reasons... as stiff as the jester spines may seem, they are really not going to hold up when getting up close and personal with the local tree population. Helmets, I figured, would crowd out these stupid hats, since the worst fashion offenders seem to be the family population.

Getting in line last weekend behind a family which resembled the cast of Madagascar, I've now realized it was silly to hope. My friends, I give you human ingenuity at its finest -- the crazy helmet covering.

**************************************************************************************************************

I recently realized I may never be properly supplied with pens so long as I continued working for the government.

I'm sure most of you lucky souls take office supplies for granted. I certainly did... at my old jobs, if I couldn't immediately locate a pen to write with, needed a notebook to uh, work from home with (or scissors... or paper clips... or printer paper... or a messenger bag with the company logo), why I'd hop on over to the supply closet and help myself. Simple! Easy!

This is not how things work for the city workers. Here, all supplies are stored at a top-secret off-site location, and must be ordered through a long, torturous procurement process involving paper work and possibly background checks.

I'm not kidding - took me a full month to get pens. And then I was only given TWO - had to share the $3 box of pens with like 5 other people.

Then I asked for one of those mousepad thingies with a gel wrist pad since I have bad wrists and hello, type for like 8 hours a day. TWO MONTHS LATER, I was REFUSED because I didn't have MEDICAL DOCUMENTATION. Yes, it took the bureaucracy two whole months to figure out that I didn't have a doctor's note attached to my FOUR PAGE APPLICATION FOR A FREAKIN' MOUSEPAD. Apparently, it's necessary I shell out $20 bucks for a copay before I would be deemed eligible for a $5 mousepad.

Why don't I just give in and buy my own stupid office supplies, you might ask? B/C I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO THE MAN. DAMN THE MAN AND HIS BUREAUCRACY! I will NOT stoop to the indignity of buying my own pens, especially when they will just be stolen by my more desperate coworkers. I WILL CONQUER THE SYSTEM!

Next mission: binder clips.

**************************************************************************************************************

I was so proud of the work done by some clients, I was tempted to put gold stars on their handouts and post it on my refridgerator. But that would probably be weird, right? Maybe less weird if I bake them cupcakes?

**************************************************************************************************************

WOW, that was long. Now I don't have to post for, like, another week since no one will finish THIS one until then...

Kidding! Really! Promise to be much, much better! And even send out my Christmas cards!

Anger Management

So this morning... not so good.

Woke up on time. So much on time, in fact, that I decided to reward myself with a little snooze-button action. Just a little bit - just once. Then I would get up.

Now running 15min late. DAMN THE SNOOZE. DAMN YOU AND YOUR SEDUCTIVE SLEEP CALL.

Run around and get ready. Realize it is not responsible to drop a small fortune daily for a creamy delicious Starbucks latte when have perfectly functional, easy-to-use coffee maker at home.

(Ignore obvious fact that $20/lb coffee pods are way more expensive than Starbucks... coffee from home avoids the temptation of yummy, fat-laden pastries.)

(In fact, cost does not matter - look, we can make coffee-pods at home with secret tricks of coffee pod creation conveniently discovered online! That's right, we're kickin' it Martha-style...)

(And when I say 'we', I mean 'Heron'. I'm not, like, crafty.)

(Why does this article make so many jokes about Senseo explosions? Exploding kitchen appliances are NOT FUNNY.)

(Wait, what was I talking about again? Oh right...)

So, I realized that while the coffee maker had maybe 3 buttons and therefore would be hard to fuck up, it was also before 7:00 AM and pre-coffee. Must proceed very carefully...

(How ironic is it that in order to GET coffee, you must first operate heavy machinery? Machinery which should carry a warning label: WARNING DO NOT ATTEMPT BEFORE CAFFEINE?)

(Literary types might call this foreshadowing.)

Ali's Coffee-Making Process

1. Look for coffee maker. Coffee maker - check.
2. Look for pods. Coffee pods - check.
3. Pods are NON-CAFFEINATED. WHY THE HELL DO WE HAVE COFFEE WITHOUT CAFFEINE?! WHAT IS THE POINT?! Look for pods WITH CAFFEINE, dammit.
4. Still looking for caffeinated coffee pods. WTF?! Is this the Twilight Zone?
5. Finally... caffeinated coffee pods - check. (And all is right with the world.)
6. Add water.
7. Lots of water, just in case. Not really sure how much is necessary. Attach water holder back on machine.
8. Look at that! Little marks, telling you how much water is needed! Little marks... way, waaaayy below the current level of water. Fear explosions of scalding water; pour water out.
9. Try to fit travel coffee mug under spout. (Don't understand why Heron always uses a regular coffee mug when you then have to put it in travel mug in order to, you know, travel with it? Tsk! Such waste!)
10. Travel mug doesn't fit. Use regular mug.
11. All ready... time to press the button!
12. Nothing happens. Press button again.
13. I am PRESSING the button with the PICTURE OF A COFFEE MUG on it... and yet, nothing happens.
14. Oh - haha! Coffee maker is not on. Turn coffee maker on. Now press little cup button.
15. Coffee maker is making funny hissing sounds! It's ALIVE!
16. But where is the coffee? Press little cup button again...
17. Coffee is coming out! ... and uh, spraying the entire kitchen... what happened?! Try desperately to catch spurting coffee with coffee mug...

Yes, my life is a network sitcom. After mopping up the spilled coffee (thank God I hadn't pressed the button with TWO coffee mugs), I figured it out: apparently there is a little plastic piece whose sole purpose is to assure that the coffee spurts in a lovely, controlled fashion into the cup, rather than anywhere but. And - you guessed it! - I did not, in fact, insert the little plastic piece into the coffee maker. Grrr...

Now, most people happening upon an angry Ali, mopping up spilled coffee WHICH MEANS SHE COULD NOT DRINK IT before 7:00 AM, would wisely say nothing. But Heron is a boy, and in typical male fashion, began to lecture me about the appropriate use of said coffee maker. Since I had done almost everything (mostly) right, with just one small mistake AND DEAR LORD DID I MENTION IT WAS BEFORE 7 O' CLOCK IN THE MOTHERFUCKING MORNING... I may have over-reacted a tiny bit. Which lead to a large argument about the exact level of coffee the mug was supposed to contain and exactly how much my mug differed and whether I should make another cup of coffee... until I realized it was now after 7:00 AM and I was officially VERY LATE. And so I stomped off to the gym.

If you made it this far into this long-ass entry, you may have the feeling that this morning I was extraordinarily (and a bit irrationally) angry. You would be correct. I fumed the entire subway ride, playing angry shouting music on my iPod (in order to properly heighten and sustain the anger). I marched all the way to the gym door, fully intending to open that gym door with the energy and purpose which suited my irrational mood and angry shouting music, and then go POUND THE HECK out of the nearest treadmill, because that would show the world not to mess with me! Yeah!

Too late. The door, which is very heavy and solid, had already met its match earlier in the day. The thick metal handle was torn almost fully off; so I pulled it open very gingerly, and quickly slid through. The girl at the desk, noting my inquisitive (and slightly scared) look, spoke up. "That happened this morning. Apparently the guy from the laundry service, who delivers the towels, is kinda brutal and angry."

Lesson of the day? Don't mess with the man who delivers the towels, because... damn.

Weekly News Gimmick

That's right, bitches. You all thought this was over, that I pussied out and decided reviewing the news (hell, even reading it) was too much work... and therein lay your mistake. I lulled you into a false sense of security, so you would never see it coming...

AND NOW I SPRING INTO ACTION! RAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!

NY TIMES: U.S. Rejects Truce Offer From bin Laden

Mr. bin Laden offered the American people a vague truce, saying "both sides can enjoy security and stability under this truce so we can build Iraq and Afghanistan."

Sounds like bin Laden hired a PR team to manage his image as a 'compassionate jihadist'. Good thing Cheney's around to help America resist his pitch.

NY TIMES: N.Y. Transit Workers Reject Deal That Ended 3-Day Strike
ALI IS ANGRY! NO LIKE WORKING 12-HR DAYS! NO LIKE FORCED WATCHING OF NY1! GRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!

Personal feelings aside... I feel as if I'm back in Paris, only without the tasty croissants. The deal worked out after the first stretch of hell was quite good - pension reform pulled off the table, increased raises, etc... even with the growling of the few crazies on the Union board, everyone was sure it would pass in a landslide. Considering that another strike not even a month after the last will most likely drive NYers into a homicidal rage... what exactly do the workers hope to accomplish? Do they seriously believe another strike will elicit raises of 10% a year AND a return to free healthcare? Possibly they are holding out for each union member to be given their very own pony?

WARNING TO POTENTIAL PICKETERS: Waving around signs with pro-union slogans may have approximately the same adverse health affects as flapping a red flag in front of a herd of angry bulls.

NY TIMES: Ivorian Leader Urges Youths to End Anti-U.N. Protests

"We don't listen to anybody," said George Kassi, 19, as he hoisted as a stone to throw at the headquarters of the United Nations mission. "We want the complete liberation of Ivory Coast. I won't go home until the U.N. and France leave my country."

It's amazing to contemplate that until recently Cote d'Ivoire was considered a prosperous and stable nation, mostly due to its special relationship with its former colonizer, France. Current events now show that leaders incite the masses at their peril - what started as a winning tactic may now prove to be the government's (and possibly the country's) downfall.

CNN: Nagin apologizes for 'chocolate' city comments
Was the good mayor of New Orleans this wacked out before Katrina, or is his behavior the manifestation of some bizarre allergy to TV cameras? Let's break down this PR disaster...

1. A God reference gone wrong. Politicians invoke God's name during a crisis in order to assure the troops that He is on our side. Apparently, Nagin's way of doing so is by informing the nation that God caused a flood in New Orleans because He was angry with black people. With elected leaders like this, who needs Pat Robertson?
2. The obvious. When Nagin used the term "Chocolate City", he wasn't refering to the color of the melting pot. But in case there was confusion, he goes on to clarify: "I don't care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are... This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be." Yup... that's about as clear as it gets.
3. An 'explanation' more ridiculous than the original statement. In politics you never misspeak, you are misunderstood. Again, you may think Nagin's remarks are nothing if not clear... But not according to Nagin's 'apology': “How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about."

Milk in the chocolate, now I get it! Whites and blacks, all mixed together in a delicious harmony... And maybe we can add some chilis for the Hispanics? Curry for the Indians? Soy sauce for the Asians? Or maybe we can cut with the shitty metaphors, and you'll go get yourself a speechwriter already?

GUARDIAN: Bored meetings - First on the agenda: are meetings too long?

"We propose that despite the fact that meetings may help to achieve work-related goals, having too many meetings and spending too much time in meetings per day may have negative effects on the individual."

Especially when you attend meetings like these. Preachin' to the choir, my academic friends!

SLATE: The Mystery of the Rude Waiter - Why my favorite restaurant employs such a churlish lout.
I like the second half of the article, where the author explains the concept of dumbing down an excellent product (and spending to do so) in order to provide to the low-end market. I've often wondered why IBM would have its engineers do extra work on a product to slow down its processing speed, then sell it for cheaper - why not simply sell the existing product? But the reasoning makes sense:

IBM could have specifically designed a low-end printer rather than crippling the high-end one, but that would have been more expensive and would have helped nobody. Or IBM could have slashed prices to business customers despite finding willing buyers at high prices, but this seems beyond the call of duty for a profit-making company. Or IBM could have passed up the opportunity to serve low-end customers altogether. That would have been no better.

But in reference to the first half - there is a bubble tea shop where the waiters are so rude, it is necessary to catch one with a running tackle to have your order taken... yet my friends and I regularly return since the tea is good, the prices cheap and the location convenient. So the real question is: where the hell is this restaurant,  where "the veal ragu is rich but you don't have to be"? No matter how rude, 'Igor' would certainly be no obstacle to foodies struggling with NYC prices...

REUTERS: Condom-capped Madonna embarrasses Catholic weekly

An advertisement for a statue of the Virgin Mary veiled in a condom has embarrassed the publishers of the U.S. Catholic magazine America, and prompted some heated comment on Catholic Web sites... Another issue may be Catholic priests' unfamiliarity with what condoms look like.

Now, please answer the questions in the following survey:

1. Can you find the condom in this picture?
2. Was sex ed mandated in your high school?

Meeting Minutes

First of all, I should clarify something: as a government employee currently assigned to 8 projects, I attend a lot of meetings. I had 5 meetings today (and not little girlie meetings, either - I'm talking at least one full hour each, filled with powerpoint presentations and excel spreadsheets), and that not even particularly heavy; on a good day, I could hit maybe 7 or 8 without breaking a sweat.

I am a meeting machine. When it comes to sustained, on-the-spot bouts of analysis, deliberation and pontification, I am at the top of my game.

Which is why, when I say this meeting today was a meeting to end all meetings, understand I know what I am talking about. If there were meeting award ceremonies, this meeting would totally win an Emmy.

In the horror category, of course.

MEETING MINUTES

2:00 PM
People arrive. Chit chat ensues. Many award-winning performances, as people valiantly pretend to like each other.

2:02 PM
Chit chat dies.

2:05 PM
Dawning realization that the two executives, for whom this meeting was called, have not arrived.

2:10 PM
Crucial executives are definitely not coming. Everyone else agrees that without these two executives, the meeting has no point.

2:18 PM
Attendees continue to discuss how really, this meeting has absolutely, positively, no point whatsoever.

2:23 PM
Though clearly this meeting has absolutely no reason for being, participants agree to hold the meeting regardless since "what the hell, we are already here with powerpoint presentations."

2:26 PM
First catfight breaks out, as two mid-level executives duke it out in the blame game. A high-level executive calms things down by heavily condescending to all involved. Much glowering from both sides of the table.

2:30 PM
High-level executive realizes he holds the floor, and proceeds to condescend to the room at large. Other attendees contemplate killing him with the staples in their powerpoint presentations.

2:35 PM
Condescension continues. Sudden understanding as to why missing execs never showed.

2:38 PM
High-level executive interrupts himself mid-rant, and attempts to steer the meeting towards a completely unrelated topic he just remembered.

2:48 PM
Discussion continues on completely unrelated topic. Lead project analyst realizes that the presentation, itself a product of 3 meetings, 2 conference calls and numerous emails, has not been touched. Considers suicide by papercut.

2:52 PM
Mid-level exec throws an end-of-meeting curveball. Second catfight breaks out, as execs scramble to blame someone else.

2:59 PM
Attendees finally notice the presentation. They wave assorted diagrams accusingly in each others' faces. High-level executive soars to new heights in condescension, insulting at least half the table with each breath.

3:15 PM
Meeting ends, as participants agree once more that really, nothing could be accomplished without the missing execs. Plans are made to schedule a new meeting.